It's like a car, maintain it!
By Red Squirrel
Now that we have the hard drive cover off, it's time to start cleaning, however, this is also a good time to partition your drive. Plug it in to a molex connector and turn on the power supply or computer, while the disk platter is spinning, choose how big you want each partition. This will have to be an estimate, however, you can go precise if you want, by using a measuring tape and calculating how much a circle mm is worth in MB. But in this case we just want a bunch of partitions, so apply the sharp object on the platter and press down firmly while it is spinning, you will hear a loud noise as the sharp object punctures the data layer of the disk. When the head encounters such an area, it will automatically detect that it is the end of the partition, and that there is another after the crack. This is why partitions actually take up a bit of space even when empty, some rumors say it has to do with the file allocation table, but it is actually because of this gap between partitions.
Now that we partitioned the drive, we also made a little mess, that's no problem since now it's time for the defrag and clean it all up. Use the power of vim to kill 99.9% of all bacteria and dirt that may be in your hard drive. Use a clean rag to wipe it off and use plenty of water. This also gets rid of any viruses you may have, Vim is chemically proven to remove 99.9% of these viruses.
After cleaning, we simply need to lube it up nicely by using WD-40 to spray where the shaft is, this may be hard to reach unless you have your trusty WD-40 extension straw. If you get some on the platters, wipe it off with your fingers, as this causes files to slip away and end up at the other end of the platter and sometimes even fly off and get caught in the casing somewhere. This is why you'll sometimes find your windows files somewhere on your last partition. Too much lube on the platter.
Now that we did our partitioning and defrag, and lube, we're all set to put the cover back on. Since screws get too tight overtime, you can just use a bit of glue and it will do the job, or if you want a cool mod, just keep the cover off.
Also, something I forgot to mention is that you might want to backup your data before doing this. But it's not a big deal really.
Also, if you did not realize that this article is a joke, it is highly recommended that you see a doctor. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!! (or at work) Just the fact of opening a hard drive has chances of making it unusable, this is due to the different air pressure inside that is specific to avoid the head from touching the disk surface. The platter turns at 7500rpm in most cases, sometimes even higher, this is higher then most car engines can handle without possibly damaging the engine. This area is usually marked as red on the dashboard. A car usually goes at around 1000rpm when idle.
Hope you enjoyed this comedy article!
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